Into the Valley PT II
"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.." -David
"... you will have tribulation, but do not fear, for I have overcome the world." -Jesus
I laid on the bed with my kids the night we found out my wife had cancer. They were having trouble getting to sleep of course, and well, so was I. We were comforting each other, really. Their little bodies were snuggled up to mine as we talked about how they felt, thier fears, and what was going to happen next.
Recently my daughter had memorized the 23rd Psalm and I asked her to say it for us. With confidence, she recited it and her fear and sadness seemed to melt away. My 10 year old son said most of it with her too, and it just was amazing to feel their moods change. We talked about how God is with us in tragedy and pain, and that those things were a part of life. Soon, they were off to sleep and I joined them a while later.
But the fear came back.
It is an ancient metaphor for evil, fear,death: darkness. That is often the worst time for us, when we find our lonliest moments...It's no wonder suicides are greatest in the most northern climes where the winter nights never end. A well known book on the Holocaust is simply titled Night. So it was no surpise my worst moments were there in the dark, alone, in a strange bed, my wife miles away in a hospital room, hooked up to plastic tubes while her own cells ran amuck, trying to kill her...
What if she died?......
Where would I go? Should I stay where we are , where my kid's best friends would be a great support to them? I am ready for a change in our house, our ministry....but to go somewhere new where we know almost no one? That seems bad for my kids. Could we move closer to my old friends, where I loved living before? My old church would be a great support to me as a single father...a widower, they used to call it...
But all this is nuts! I am older than she, was exposed to lots of chemicals in my biology days (I can still smell the formaldahyde.) Surely it should be me lieing there, not her!!! It's not....
oh now come on, don't say it, don't think it....!
It's not fair.
Well of course not. I know better. It just seems....well, as Mr. Spock would say, "Illogical"
Life is often illogical isn't it? One author calls God "wild", unpredictable, unfathomable. Job found God too incredible to understand, as do I. His will is just not an open book to us. It is...a mystery.
So in the dark, I just have to trust, to believe, to accept what is.
And to thank God for the many ways he comforts, strengthens, encourages....
...like a little voice next to me, quoting a King from thousands of years ago....
The voice of God ...in the dark.
"... you will have tribulation, but do not fear, for I have overcome the world." -Jesus
I laid on the bed with my kids the night we found out my wife had cancer. They were having trouble getting to sleep of course, and well, so was I. We were comforting each other, really. Their little bodies were snuggled up to mine as we talked about how they felt, thier fears, and what was going to happen next.
Recently my daughter had memorized the 23rd Psalm and I asked her to say it for us. With confidence, she recited it and her fear and sadness seemed to melt away. My 10 year old son said most of it with her too, and it just was amazing to feel their moods change. We talked about how God is with us in tragedy and pain, and that those things were a part of life. Soon, they were off to sleep and I joined them a while later.
But the fear came back.
It is an ancient metaphor for evil, fear,death: darkness. That is often the worst time for us, when we find our lonliest moments...It's no wonder suicides are greatest in the most northern climes where the winter nights never end. A well known book on the Holocaust is simply titled Night. So it was no surpise my worst moments were there in the dark, alone, in a strange bed, my wife miles away in a hospital room, hooked up to plastic tubes while her own cells ran amuck, trying to kill her...
What if she died?......
Where would I go? Should I stay where we are , where my kid's best friends would be a great support to them? I am ready for a change in our house, our ministry....but to go somewhere new where we know almost no one? That seems bad for my kids. Could we move closer to my old friends, where I loved living before? My old church would be a great support to me as a single father...a widower, they used to call it...
But all this is nuts! I am older than she, was exposed to lots of chemicals in my biology days (I can still smell the formaldahyde.) Surely it should be me lieing there, not her!!! It's not....
oh now come on, don't say it, don't think it....!
It's not fair.
Well of course not. I know better. It just seems....well, as Mr. Spock would say, "Illogical"
Life is often illogical isn't it? One author calls God "wild", unpredictable, unfathomable. Job found God too incredible to understand, as do I. His will is just not an open book to us. It is...a mystery.
So in the dark, I just have to trust, to believe, to accept what is.
And to thank God for the many ways he comforts, strengthens, encourages....
...like a little voice next to me, quoting a King from thousands of years ago....
The voice of God ...in the dark.
posted by Rob | 2:47 PM
2 Comments:
I just wanted to say hi, and let you know I'm still reading, even if I can't put together a deeply coherent comment right now . . . .
A
Rob,
Thank you for sharing such deep parts of your heart. I also cried reading your posts, it's overwhelming and I feel strange saying anything at all, but I think of your family often with love and prayers. It's amazing to read your blog and Miriam's, you can almost see God there in the darkness with you, thank you for the blessing of your posts and your thoughts.
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