Into the Valley PT II

"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.." -David

"... you will have tribulation, but do not fear, for I have overcome the world." -Jesus


I laid on the bed with my kids the night we found out my wife had cancer. They were having trouble getting to sleep of course, and well, so was I. We were comforting each other, really. Their little bodies were snuggled up to mine as we talked about how they felt, thier fears, and what was going to happen next.

Recently my daughter had memorized the 23rd Psalm and I asked her to say it for us. With confidence, she recited it and her fear and sadness seemed to melt away. My 10 year old son said most of it with her too, and it just was amazing to feel their moods change. We talked about how God is with us in tragedy and pain, and that those things were a part of life. Soon, they were off to sleep and I joined them a while later.

But the fear came back.

It is an ancient metaphor for evil, fear,death: darkness. That is often the worst time for us, when we find our lonliest moments...It's no wonder suicides are greatest in the most northern climes where the winter nights never end. A well known book on the Holocaust is simply titled Night. So it was no surpise my worst moments were there in the dark, alone, in a strange bed, my wife miles away in a hospital room, hooked up to plastic tubes while her own cells ran amuck, trying to kill her...

What if she died?......

Where would I go? Should I stay where we are , where my kid's best friends would be a great support to them? I am ready for a change in our house, our ministry....but to go somewhere new where we know almost no one? That seems bad for my kids. Could we move closer to my old friends, where I loved living before? My old church would be a great support to me as a single father...a widower, they used to call it...

But all this is nuts! I am older than she, was exposed to lots of chemicals in my biology days (I can still smell the formaldahyde.) Surely it should be me lieing there, not her!!! It's not....

oh now come on, don't say it, don't think it....!

It's not fair.

Well of course not. I know better. It just seems....well, as Mr. Spock would say, "Illogical"

Life is often illogical isn't it? One author calls God "wild", unpredictable, unfathomable. Job found God too incredible to understand, as do I. His will is just not an open book to us. It is...a mystery.

So in the dark, I just have to trust, to believe, to accept what is.

And to thank God for the many ways he comforts, strengthens, encourages....

...like a little voice next to me, quoting a King from thousands of years ago....

The voice of God ...in the dark.

Into the Valley

My kids new something was wrong when I asked them to come out onto the back deck of my brother-in-law's home. They had been there all day while my wife had surgery to remove what was expected to be a benign tumor.

"Mom's surgery went well", I said reassuringly. "But there's something I need to explain to you." My 12 year old daughter knew something was up as they both settled onto my lap.

"Mom has cancer, doesn't she dad?!" she said as her eyes filled with tears. My 10 year old son sat silently, looking very worried.

"Well, you know how people say I have good news and bad news? I have good news, bad news and more good news". I was totally calm with no sign of worry or tears.

"Tell us the bad news first" my daughter said in a demanding tone. My son looked up and said very seriously, "Dad, is mom going to die?" I almost lost it then, but held on. Am I in a movie?, I wondered to myself.

"No. That is the good news! She has done well in surgery and did not get sick from the anesthetic, just like we prayed! The bad news is yes, she does have cancer, but not the kind Mrs. Lucy had." (Lucy was a friend of ours who died from intestinal cancer a few years ago.)
"And the other good news is this cancer is treatable and mommy is probably going to be ok!"

My daughter started to cry then, while my son looked very relieved and wanted to get back to his legos. "But now mom is going to lose her hair!" she wailed! Amazing, the difference in perspective.

Later the next day, I did lose it. There are no guarantees after all. The doctors had all been wrong from the get -go. Could they be wrong about this? Will I be raising these two wonderful kids alone? The thought of my daughter hitting her teenage years without her mother finally brought me to tears in the waiting room. Up until then I had been resolute and calm. While her mom and others cried as the surgeon told us the news , I just stared at the table in front of me.

My wife has cancer.

My wife.

No. Not possible. Wrong patient. Wrong waiting room.

It just can't be.....

(To be continued....)

Born in Walla Walla 54 years Ago

Yes, today is my birthday. I have been using perfectly good air on this planet for 54 years now.

And I don't feel a day over 53!

Thank you Lord for life, love and the amazing world and universe you have created.

Amen.