Thank You, Lawrence Starbuck

It was a beautiful sunny day in Atascader0, California. My kids and I and our good friends the Redels stood in the local cemetary on Memorial Day. They had joined us for our annual tradition of placing flowers on the graves of Veterans who, for reasons unknown to us, did not have any. The small American flags placed on the graves by the Boy Scouts waved gently in the wind, and there were lots of them.

The kids fanned out, reading the headstones. There were many from WWII and some from Korea. None had apparantly died in a war. But then I found one.

Lawrence Starbuck. Born 1952. Died 1972. US Marine Corps. Viet Nam.

I paused silently. He was born a year before me. Indeed, it could have been me. I was in the draft, but had a very high lottery number (352 or something like that) and I didn't have to go. Whether he actually died in Viet Nam, we don't know of course. It would have been at the end of the war. But we gathered around his grave and prayed for his family and all those who have died to protect our freedom. We also prayed for Kevin Andrews, the son of other special friends, who has just enlisted in the Air Force. We prayed for peace in Iraq and protection for those we know there.

And we prayed for the Prince of Peace to come soon. Only then will war end. Only then will there be no more headstones with little flags waving in the wind

Only then will there be no need for losing men like Lawrence Starbuck.

But until then... thank you.

Well Behaved Women.....and What is a Good Marriage Anyway?

"Well Behaved Women Never Made History"

The bumper sticker always catches my attention when I see it on a certain car that is often before me as I drop off my kids at school. Out of the car steps a 5th grade boy...and everyone cringes. He is probably one of the worst kids in the school, regularly calling out to his teacher things like "Hey: Screw this test!" Yes, his mother is making history alright. Oviously I don't know the whole story here, but as she drives off, I wonder if she really knows the legacy she is leaving behind?

Well, if you read the comments on this latest topic of marriage, there is alot to consider. And if you go to the web sites and other sources, there is far more to mull over. But let's cut to the chase.

Here is what a Godly, Biblical marriage looks like....well, yes, in my view. (Hey, it's my blog isn't it?) But I base it on a sensible interpretation of scripture, taken in context (this includes taking all the scriptures having to do with marrriage into consideration, not just camping on some that suit one's agenda). I also base it on solid scholarship (for example, check out Soft Patriarchs, New Men: How Christianity Shapes Fathers and Husbands (2004)by Dr. Brad Wilcox) and experience knowing hundreds of couples, young and old. And lastly, I have been married almost 19 years myself. So here it goes:

A husband loves his wife, often sacrificially-that means 'til it hurts! He gives of his time and energy and loves her as Christ loves the church, with tenderness and grace. He is also the head, meaning he gives direction and leadership to the couple and the family, also as Christ did (and does) to the church. Jesus does not lead arbitrarily, but with much prayer and consulting with the Father-so must the husband. He loves his wife and children with a passion-but does not cater to every whim or want. He must use discernment and seek wisdom, all in the context of love.

A wife loves her husband, also sacrifially at times. She is to respect him and honor him as the leader of the home and not try to take charge when she disagrees. As the bride, she is also tender and gracious, knowing he, being human, will make lots of mistakes. She too needs godly wisdom and counsel from others. She can be involved in all kinds of activites, including work or career (Prov 31) as long as it does not interfere with the family or hurt her husband in his capacity as head of the home. There are stages of life as children get older and certainly there can be changes in how things are done over time.

Obviously, there are situations of extreme behavior or circumstances that would alter this. And even though I continue to argue it is all too common, divorce may be the only option when things are just too fargone (e.g. adultery, abuse, etc.) Even Jesus taught that.

Corrallary: Be careful who you marry! Be certain you know the other person well enough that you can commit to this!

Sadly, even as I write this, another marriage in our church is failing. The newly minted college graduate wife doesn't want to go where her husband's headed. She follows her own path.

Her children weep.

Her God weeps.

And all of us should weep as well.

The Real Victims

As we debate things like marriage, feminism, and divorce, I can get a little angry-well, more than a little. (Can you tell?) Primarily, it's because of the children. Read this recent post from Chuck Colson and Breakpoint:


Casualties in the Culture Wars:
Gay 'Marriage' and Children May 18, 2006

Note: This commentary was delivered by Prison Fellowship President Mark Earley.

I have a quick test for you. Don't worry, it's a multiple-choice test and won't take long. Ready? Here's the question. Which of these things doesn't belong: A) children, B) Easter egg hunts, or C) political activists?Unfortunately, the homosexual activists of the Family Pride Coalition did not pass this test on Easter, when a nearly 130-year-old tradition of hunting for eggs on the White House lawn suddenly became the bull's eye of controversy.Three months before the event, the Family Pride Coalition announced that gay and lesbian couples would be attending the Easter Egg Roll with their children to raise awareness of gay and lesbian "families." While I echo the sentiments of Easter Egg Roll hostess Laura Bush -- who said that all are welcome provided they comply with the rules -- I categorically disagree with what the activists did. They used a children's event to make a raw political statement.

While it saddens me that the activists chose to politicize the event, it does not surprise me that children were once again the unfortunate casualties in the war on the weak. It fits the pattern.From the get-go, the quest to legitimize gay "marriage" in this country has not really been about marriage. It has been about the pursuit of unlimited personal autonomy -- no matter what the cost to society or to its most vulnerable members, our children -- because, in the end, what gay "marriage" proponents are doing, intentionally or unintentionally, is undermining the institution of marriage itself. And when that happens, children are the real victims.

Now, lest we fail to remove the plank from our own eye first, we need to admit that the problem with marriage in this country began with no-fault divorces. The take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward marriage was the first step in undermining the sanctity of marriage.Selfishness, sexual sin, high divorce rates, and casual attitudes toward marriage in general have opened wide the door to redefining marriage in a way that leaves the voiceless, in this case, children, vulnerable and at great risk.

It's distasteful when children are used as political pawns, but it's disastrous when a society fails to protect its weaker members. This is especially true when it comes to protecting the institution of marriage. As Dr. Timothy Dailey concludes in HOMOSEXUAL PARENTING: PLACING CHILDREN AT RISK, "The complementary aspects of parenting that mothers and fathers contribute to the rearing of children are rooted in the innate differences of the two sexes, and can no more be arbitrarily substituted than can the very nature of male and female . . . [despite] accusations of sexism and homophobia . . . , [despite] attempts to deny the importance of both mothers and fathers in the rearing of children, the oldest family structure of all turns out to be the best."Children need a mom and a dad. And children need us to protect the institution that protects them best, whether that's fighting for strong marriages, or fighting against no-fault divorce laws and against so-called same-sex "marriages."

In a little less than a month, there will be a vote in the Senate on the Marriage Protection Amendment. Please call your United States senators. If Christians don't protect society's most vulnerable, then who will? And if we don't do it now, then when?This is part two in the "War on the Weak" series.Get links to further information on today's topic (http://www.breakpoint.org/listingarticle.asp?ID=2285)________________________________________________Take Action--------------------------- Urge your two senators and your congressman to vote for the Marriage Protection Amendment: Call 202-224-3121.

Men and Marriage

As luck (?) would have it, Focus on the Family this week has had fascinating broadcasts about marriage and the future of society, especially by George Gilder, a profound thinker and author, and Harvard grad. Go to Family.org and go to the recent broadcasts. Trust me, it's worth hearing!

The Death of Marriage Part II

"What we work out in our journals we don't take out on family and friends." -Madeleine L'Engle, in the forward to C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed.


Hyperbole can be very useful. After all, Jesus used it frequently. Of course, my title "Marriage is Dead" is just that, designed to get your attention. And yet...

I really appreciate those of you who comment. I truly hope what I write will influence some to think, reconsider positions, and open their minds beyond the indoctrination of our culture, education and poor Biblical teaching. I would love to see a resurgence of godly marriages! But so far, all the comments to my humble blog support my contentions. Let's see, where to begin.

1. What is the central tenant of feminism? Simple: Men and women are basically the same, and therefore equal in all respects (actually, feminsim morphed over the years to really take the position that women are better than men, but that is another topic.) One comment alluded to the idea that scripture even teaches this.

Wow.

The "Big Lie" triumphs again-say something loud enough and often enough and people will believe it. Gentle readers, of course scripture teaches we are equal before God: in Christ there is neither male nor female. No one doubts that. But the idea we are the same in all respects is just, well, ... absurd. You might as well believe the moon is made of cheese. Genetics, physiology, pschology, history, archeology,and theology (solid, not spongy post-modern nonsense) all disprove this. People who don't accept this are simply shutting their eyes and ears, choosing to live in their fantasyland of denial. You may want it to be true, but it just isn't. We are very different from one another. Did not God create us male and female (Genesis 1:27)? What would be the point if we are so similar?

As to the idea of roles, as I wrote in my first entry, it is clear to any objective reader what the Bible teaches on this. I will not debate this here, but go to:

http://www.cbmw.org/resources/articles/cberesponse.php

My real point in all this : In human partnerships and organizations, there is some kind of leadership role involved. Even partners have a "senior partner". It is rare indeed that two people can be so well tuned to each other, so selfless, so other -centered, that there is no need for a leader. I am not saying it is impossible, but is very rare. In addition to positive changes in our society, feminism has resulted in women leading and husbands following, not equality. Stay at home husbands and men following career women lead to almost inevitable unhappiness and divorce. Common in the academic world, I have seen it time and time again. And that is not the worst of it. What of the children? Stay tuned.

2. The most recent comment dovetails with the last point of the first entry . It is all about you and your happiness. You made a mistake. Are you not entitled to a "second chance" ? Consider this:

All of the biblical teachings on marriage and divorce were given in the context of arranged marriages, both Jewish, Greek and Roman (not 100% of the time, but mostly.) Were there mistakes made by parents and others who arranged these marriages? I would imagine so. And yet Jesus still taught to shun divorce-God hates it. (You'd think we would do a better job choosing our own mates, but I guess not.)

It is not about being happy, recognizing potential. It is about commitment and loving sacrificially. You did not promise to stay with your partner until you are unhappy, but until death! Older vows always contained the phrase "for better or for worse" Well, why is that in there? Because there is alot of "worse"!

As far as Christian counseling goes, one has to be really careful. There are a lot of poor ones and their "counsel" is often distorted by post-modern psychology, rather than driven by rational use of scripture. My wife and I had one counselor who came from a well known seminary, was egalatarian in his views... and had an affair and left his wife (and his God).

Does God forgive? Are there second chances in my "brand" of Christianity? OF COURSE!! But God wants us to avoid all the pain and anguish in the first place and follow his counsel. We are too prone to give up on the hard things and pursue "happiness". That is not Christianity. That is immaturity.

Did not Jesus say, "If you truly love me, you will follow my commandments"? He did not say "If you truly love me, you will be happy and realize your potential".

Next: So What is a Good Marriage Anyway?

The Death of Marriage

http://thetechgap.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/rip.jpg


Marriage is dead.

At least, the traditional idea that has been an American institution since the founding of the country. Fewer and fewer people are getting married, choosing to live together. Of those that do, the divorce rate is still 50%. Even among those who call themselves Christians. Now think about that.

Would you get on an airline with a crash rate of 50%? Would you buy a car that was known for breaking down half the time?(well maybe-I had one in college, a Chevy Vega!) How about a food franchise which resulted in half the customers getting food poisoning? All these business would be gone very quickly-a total failure.

But is there hope? I don't think so. Think of how much help there is today: excellent ministries like Focus on the Family, The Family Ministry of CCC (Dennis Rainey and Family Life Today), the thousands of Christian counselors and therapists, a virtual avalanche of books in Christain bookstores on how to improve your marriage...and yet there has been a steady downward spiral over the last 50 years.

Why?

Dr. Jerry Root of Wheaton College sums it up, I think: "People's wounds are stronger than their convictions". With that basic truth, here are the top reasons we will not see a recovery of marriage in our culture:

1. How we feel is more important than our "beliefs". The wedding vows are virtually meaningless. "Till death do us part" are only quaint words, devoid of meaning, simply tradition. When we are unhappy enough, we are through. As one wife said, "You can't hold me to something I promised 10 years ago!"

2. The rise of feminism. Marriage over the millenia has traditionally seen the husband as the leader, the wife as the supporter of her husband. This spans time and culture. Some will point to matriarchial cultures or tribes in the past, but these are historical aberrations. The overwhelming historical pattern, and biblical model, is that of male headship of the family. This , of course, is going the way of the brontosaurus.

Men have brought it on themselves, often playing the tyrant and defending it with out-of-context scripture. Wives now pursue their careers, seeing children as something they should do, but ship them off to daycare so they can get back to their "real" job. Most Christian conselors espouse the "egalatarian model" i.e. equal roles in marriage. A nice idea, but really stealth feminism. Show me an egalatarian marriage and I will show you the wife running the show,either passively("you don't really love me!") or agressively ("do this or you can forget sex tonite-or any nite!"). Strong women marry passive men and there you have it. But it is not the way it is supposed to be. Sooner or later, one of them gets tired of this distorted model and leaves the other. Lately, as I think of the couples I know,it seems to be the wife who leaves.

3. Our ego-centric, experience oriented culture. I am the center of my universe. Only God tells me what to do, through prayer, impressions, a quiver in my liver, whatever. Thus, many are not open to wise counsel. I can't tell you how many young couples we have seen insist on getting married, even though wiser, older believers urge them not to. And soon they are in court, wondering why God let them down....

Well, enough for now. There is much more to say, but how much pessismism can one stand? As I said, I really see no hope. And if we are truly in the Last Days, our only hope will be in the return of the One who promised us things would get pretty bad before they get better.

Am I wrong?

Convince me!