Using Perfectly Good Air
So I wonder, after living over half a century, if I have made any difference at all.
My life is nothing like I dreamed about as a kid. It is not even close to what I worked for in college.
I have many things to celebrate, but many disappointments.
Would they make It's Wonderful Life about my life? I sort of doubt it.
Have I done what God intended for me to do?
Why do I seem to have so few real options?
Has my life mattered at all?
Will my kids amount to anything?
And why the heck isn't the second season of Lost out on DVD yet? (Who were those perverts on the boat at the end of season one anyway?)
My life is nothing like I dreamed about as a kid. It is not even close to what I worked for in college.
I have many things to celebrate, but many disappointments.
Would they make It's Wonderful Life about my life? I sort of doubt it.
Have I done what God intended for me to do?
Why do I seem to have so few real options?
Has my life mattered at all?
Will my kids amount to anything?
And why the heck isn't the second season of Lost out on DVD yet? (Who were those perverts on the boat at the end of season one anyway?)
posted by Rob | 7:43 AM
6 Comments:
Rob,
I actually understand what you are saying, I "get it". Some of my, slighly related, thoughts...
*I jokingly say to myself and others that I go through a mid-life crisis every six months or so. I often question the choices I've made and wonder if I should do something differently...I have my share of regrets.
*This, "I think, therefore, I am" concept is the heart of the issue for me, anyway. Kind of your, "has my life mattered at all?" question. Why am I aware of who I am...aren't I created to do something special...and why hasn't that happened, or what should I be doing to participate in it?
Let me give an example that represents one of the two great joys in my life: Last night was the group bike ride/race. We rode Blacksmith Fork Canyon...today my legs are tired. This afternoon I'll hop on my Mtn Bike and ride up Green Canyon, when I get to the top, I'll be tired, sweating and completely fulfilled personally. When I stop at the top, I'll take my sunglasses off, take in the scenery, the sounds of the birds chirping, inhale a few deep breaths and profoundly enjoy, if only for a few fleeting moments, the life I have been given.
The contentment is purely inward and selfish, but it holds great value for my life.
Dean M.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Rob, you struck my middle-aged chord. OK. OK. I am stretching "middle aged" a bit. I look back at stupid decisions the altered my life's direction. I am not where I hoped to be. When the right highway exit appeared, I just wasn't paying attention.
Having said all that ... a description of my life does not sound like the Book of Job either ... beautiful wife, fabulous kids, good job, reasonable future, good health, a home in a peaceful neighborhood in middle-class America. But there are failures, unfulfilled dreams, disappointments ... and I live in these disappointments now! As I roll them around in my hands they look significant. The 'If onlys' seem to grow as I fondle them. The wriggling idols are deceiving and must be dropped. I need to remember the beauty and laughter of my wife. (Maybe I will drop the fondling medaphor).
Years ago I worked at a brilliant recreational camp for the handicapped named Camp Courage in Minnesota. There I meet a 30-year-old man named Paul. His mother had taken a new medicine to reduce morning sickness during pregnancy. Unfortunately, the drug caused dramatic birth defects. Paul was born without arms. He had small finger appendages coming from his shoulders. One leg was half the length of the other.
Paul would dress himself each morning with his feet and toes. He only needed help to zip his pants. Paul was the designer of a computer-based medical expert system for doctors to track medications ... This was in 1977! Paul was (is) a joyful, energetic human. His Christianity was a foundation for his joy.
During that summer of 1977, Paul and another camp worker would get up in the morning to study the book of Job. After reading of Job's losses and his subsequent praise of God (see Job 2), Paul commented that he wasn't so sure that he could be so willing to worship God after all that had happened to Job. My co-worker's jaw dropped at the comment. Finally he said, 'Paul, you ARE Job!."
Paul saw no disappointments in his life, but rejoiced in his many blessings from God. Why, oh, why do I so often count my disappointments?
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
Rob,
I was really surprised to read your comment. In a way it's kind of nice to know that someone I think of as being very successful is subject to wistfulness and wondering about what might have been (just like the rest of us). I don't want to minimalize how you are feeling but I want you to know that my life has been very seriously changed by the ministry you and Miriam have chosen to pursue. I don't think I really understood what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ until I got involved in FOCUS. And that fellowship is what it is because of the attention and dedication you have paid to it. Nearly every college hour, it's you who presents a clear, intelligent, heartfelt message about God and His love and His Son. I don't know of very many groups that even have "college hours" as an option. It's you who organizes servant team meetings, and encourages emerging young adults to become leaders, missionaries and servants. It's you that shares God's truth and love with a campus and community that desperately need it. Robert Louis Stevenson once noted that we should "judge each day not by the harvest we reap, but by the seeds that we plant". I can only speak for myself, but if there is a question whether there is fruit in your work and if your life has glorified God, my response would be an enthusiastic yes, absolutely. Ask any of us on the outside; your life is a very beautiful thing.
Emily Cavanaugh
Hi Rob,
I ended up finding your site through a roundabout way about 5 minutes ago. Sounds like you're feeling a little down about getting older. Hope it passes soon, and thanks for making a difference in my life.
Mike Morgan ('00)
Ithaca, NY
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